This Holiday Season, Give Yourself the Gift of Self-Compassion
I was home last week for Thanksgiving, and as with every time my family gets together, the table was absolutely abundant with food. Every year, I promise myself that I would only eat what I really want to eat as opposed to sampling everything there is on the table. I remind myself of how eating a ton of food always makes me feel crappy about myself, and resolve to eat smaller portions and maybe stick to just one dessert.
Ha.
This did not happen. In fact, the very opposite of this happened, as it does every single year. I started out choosing mostly vegetables, but eventually, everything that was on the table found its way onto my plate. And dessert? Forget it! I had a sampling of several desserts we had available (there were two kinds of apple pie, two kinds of pumpkin pie, a chocolate cake, some peanut butter bars and some Filipino dessert made by my mom made with cassava …and I forget the rest, but you get the idea).
The next day, Black Friday, my first thought upon waking was, “I never want to eat like that again!” And so commenced the self-flagellation and vows to not do the same at Christmas. My mood was indeed black.
Since graduating from my life coaching course, my life has expanded in a ton of ways, and I realized that to keep up with everything, I need to take care of myself better. I want to lose some weight and increase my energy levels as well as be able to deal with stress better. So I enlisted the help of my classmate, who has had previous experience coaching, to help me stay accountable. We have weekly check-ins on Fridays and since it was a Friday, I shot him a message on Facebook Messenger all about my binge-eating hangover and how I felt like I set myself back and how awful I was feeling, physically and emotionally.
His first words to me in response were, “You gotta let yourself off the hook, girl.” And then reminded me that with any weight loss discipline that lasts, there is room for holidays and vacations, that “in the beginning it’s partially about how we stretch out into those times in a way that maintains our worth to ourselves.” — Yeah…I skipped the “in a way that maintains our worth to ourselves” part and shot right into “in a way that makes you feel like shit about yourself afterwards.” I realized that was my main error. He told me that he had indulged in a few carbs during the holiday as well, but kept it to reasonable portions because he himself overdid it a few years ago and learned the same lesson I was now learning from this year’s stuff-my-face-athon.
And then his advice went a little deeper. He talked about how, when he’s feeling disturbed and he wants to stop the disturbance, he asks himself, “Do I need to apologize or forgive?” He told me to forgive myself and move forward, and then sent me a YouTube video of a talk given by Kristin Neff about self-compassion.
I’m no stranger to the concept of self-compassion — it was the first thing my therapist wanted me to learn to adopt when I first started seeing her years ago for my anxiety. But every now and then, I guess we all need a reminder. What I took away from Kristin Neff’s talk was that there are three components to self-compassion, and they are: mindfulness, shared humanity and kindness.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is stepping back and acknowledging that you are struggling with something. While yes, it’s obvious that you’re struggling because you feel the suffering that comes with it, it’s important to step back, witness and acknowledge to yourself that you are. Why? Because it provides a little space between yourself and the experience of suffering itself. You become the narrator in the story instead of the person IN the story. It also brings you to the present moment by observing it instead of getting caught up in the hurtful storylines you probably have going. Also, you can’t give yourself compassion if you don’t admit that you need it.
Shared Humanity
Neff points out in her talks (I watched a couple) that when things go wrong, we take a very egoic perspective and isolate ourselves in the way we see things. “Why did this happen to me?” “This isn’t how it was supposed to be!” We quickly forget that our suffering is probably not original. The focus on our own suffering is so intense that it’s like tunnel vision and everything else falls away. In the ego’s perception, we become special in our suffering. Instantly, the feeling of isolation sets in. When this happens, it helps to remember a sense of shared humanity — remembering that nobody’s life is perfect, and everyone is going through some kind of struggle even though it isn’t always obvious. Imperfect, messy lives are the one thing that all human beings share. Welcome to humanity.
Kindness
Once suffering is acknowledged, kindness to yourself should follow. If a friend were suffering, you would try to comfort them by whatever means necessary. Turning this around and focusing that kindness on yourself when you are struggling is the final piece of self-compassion. It’s the action part of self-compassion because kindness is usually shown through some kind of action.
To demonstrate the three parts of self-compassion in action, Neff went through the following exercise at the end of this video for when you’re feeling some difficult emotions or feeling a moment of struggle:
Close your eyes. Think of something that’s difficult for you / something you’re struggling with. Nothing too big or overwhelming, just something that’s bothering you.
Practicing mindful awareness:
Say to yourself, “This is a moment of struggle. Of difficulty. What you’re going through right now, this is hard.” Or something similar to these words. You can even name the emotions that are coming up for you if that helps. The point is to simply acknowledge to yourself in words, either out loud or silently, that you are struggling and the situation is difficult.
Cultivating a sense of shared humanity:
Say to yourself, “This is part of being a human being — it’s not just you, it’s not abnormal. This is a part of what it means to be human. You aren’t alone in what you’re going through.” Allow yourself to be okay with what you’re feeling by affirming that your struggle, while slightly different in specifics from what others may be going through, is not original to you. At the very least, the emotions you are feeling have been felt by all human beings at some point or another. There is no shame in how you are feeling. Remind yourself that you are not alone in your imperfections, and not alone in living an imperfect life. This releases judgement from your thought process and enables you to simply relax into what is.
Showing kindness:
Because you are suffering, you want to be kind to yourself just like you would be kind to a friend in need. You might say a few words of kindness to yourself — “I’ve got your back, I’m here for you, I care…I’ll do what I can to help.” Maybe you can also ask yourself, “What can I do for you?” or, “How can I make this better for you?” the same way you would ask a friend if they were in your situation. Allow yourself to be honest about what you need, and how you can give that to yourself. And then give yourself whatever it is that you need.
Practice these three steps whenever you’re feeling any difficult emotion — sadness, frustration, impatience, anger, anxiety…etc. Repeating this exercise every time this happens will add to your overall sense of compassion for yourself as well as for others.
Self-compassion is a gift that keeps on giving. Contrary to what some may believe, self-compassion is not self-indulgent. It benefits you, but it also benefits those around you because when you practice self-compassion, your emotional state is one of calm and ease. Those around you will pick up on that and feel good in your presence.
It’s especially important to remember to practice self-compassion during the holiday season, when you might feel a lot of pressure to buy the perfect gifts, host the perfect holiday party, or, like me, feel pressure to stick to healthy eating habits when there’s so much eating and partying this time of year. Maybe you’re struggling just to feel any kind of holiday spirit! It’s perfectly okay if you’re not feeling that holiday cheer — it’s far more important to be self-compassionate and accept yourself wherever you are. In the long run, it will benefit you and others far more than giving the perfect gifts or hosting the perfect party.
